Stars Are Falling...

It's been almost exactly a year since he passed away and I still miss him like it was yesterday.
Time heals all wounds, I know, they just flare up near anniversaries.

The strange thing about someone leaving is that you forget them in certain ways but in the most keen sense, they are always a part of you.

I won't ever forget.

Isn't it intriguing how when you're ready to give someone up they want to hold on?
I'm finally ready though to cast him out of my life.
I'm not falling for him again.

Alright, so I'm in the process of getting ready to begin what promises to be a fairly awesome day. I'm going to Six Flags for UGA Night with Jenn! Yay! I haven't been on a rollercoaster since January at Universal and I haven't been to Six Flags in over two years. Last time I went there I was still with Ted. Crazy how things change.

BUT! I am so excited! Jenn has said she'll french braid my hair (yay!) and we're going to get dinner somewhere (yay!) and I don't know...I just like having plans. Hah. Plus, I'm listening to a pretty amazing mixed cd. The weather is nice. I swear, I feel untouchable and hopefully it'll stay true. Oh, today is totally one of those days that something corporate sings about- i'm 21 and invincible...

score.

I suppose I'll go finish getting ready and rejoice in the beauty of the day. Add on that I've decided I want to start fashioning myself after the styles of Marie Antoinette as characterized in the Sophia Coppola movie. I just love the colors and patterns...so pretty.

"You're going to be okay/
That's what's going to happen/
Everything's okay.
We're right here beside you/
We won't let you slip away.
Plan for tomorrow.
Cause we swear to you/
You're going to be okay. "

It's so late and I'm tired but I couldn't resist the urge to write.

I'm lying in my bed currently, so snuggled in and so at one with the world, I haven't felt content in such a long time. I've got the dog sleeping right beside me, curled up on my side- funny, I sleep in a queen sized bed but because of the dog I sleep right on the edge.

I love the feeling of just...peace. I love when everything feels like it's coming together, even if for only a brief moment. Things are coming together though. I have to believe this is the time everything will work out, I have to have faith, and I do.

Strangely enough, the other night I spoke with a friend about faith and religion and I discovered that I am so much stronger in mine. I have no doubt that everything happens for a reason- and we don't always know why. I have no doubt that God (or whatever deity) is always there behind every choice we make, supporting us even when we live our lives the wrong way. I don't know- it's jumbled, but it makes sense to me and if that's what helps, it helps. I think I'd go absolutely off the deep end if I didn't have faith.

I've been in a creative mood lately as well, which is always interesting. I've written so many letters- decorated envelopes and sent away my painstakingly beautiful pieces of creative art...

I'm too tired to think, so I'm going to stop, in theory.

So, again, much is going on with my family life and such. Shocking? Not really anymore.

I tire of these endless escapades and endless entanglements. I would just like a moments respite from them. I must hold true to the thoughts- all of this is for something, all of these issues will come to a head and will end in good. Right? I mean, life cannot be this hard all the time, I hope. I hope. I hope.

And I feel much better lately. I feel like I've really taken care of myself in a sense. I feel like I am finding my self. I'm not sure where I was- but I think I'm surfacing again. Interesting idea, that, drowning in oneself...I'm sure many a novel has been written on such a subject.

I love that this journal has essentially become me rambling vaguely about the things that go on in my life, but in such a manner that is cryptic and illusive. I look back though and I know what I was thinking- I see the turns of my mind.

What else? I'm listening to the Atonement soundtrack currently. It's absolutely wonderful and I must say that if you haven't read the novel or see the movie- do both! Don't delay! Both are just...beautiful. So well crafted. Such a delight to watch and read.

She stays hidden, locked within herself, a casual smile gracing her features.
She remains an enigma, even to herself, a mystery that she is trying to unfold.

I am in a mood, just a mood of existence at the moment. I feel comfortable with it. Sometimes being in a constant state of something is just so very tiring. It's hard to feel as much as I do. It's difficult to have a constantly turning mind- I often wish I could slow it down, but find, in general my mind only slows with the addition of alcohol. Or just a lack-of-sleep-induced exhaustion.

I finished reading The Time Traveler's Wife today. It was my second read of it. Strange, but this book is so poignant to me, I remember exactly when and where I read it the first time. I read it in late August, early September 2005. I bought the book in the Atlanta Airport so I would have reading material on the plane as I went out to see my father in California, on a favor to him. I went out to help him with a movie he was working on at the time. I read the book on the plane for most of the trip, pausing to write in my journal, or to talk to the girl besides me going home for the first time in 6 months after traveling abroad. I remember going through that haze of Los Angeles smog, so fantastic and disgusting- it's mind boggling to see, honestly. My dad met me at the airport, I had gotten new glasses, had a great boyfriend, had a new haircut and it was the good reunion, it was the favorite daughter with the long lost father. The only daughter, rather, with her recovering father. Oh how I miss those simple moments of rejoicing. My father, for all the things that he has done wrong...I can't judge him. I do love him. I do. I just cannot talk to him hardly. So sad when life takes that turn.

Anyways, I remember that trip so clearly; a week back in good ol' California. Camping out in my Dads RV on the beach, working the movie, and sleeping and surfing and reading my novel...god, it's like a dream, really. No wonder people are lured into that world. No wonder I have my moments of doubt- how I wish I could go and work in the industry that has ruined my family in all senses. Ah, but I'm more sensible, more practical. Perhaps.

So, I read the book. And I loved it. I lent it to my dad and he read it as quickly as I, we're both speed readers- I kid you not, give me a book I'm actually interested in and I can have it read within 2-3 days, sometimes less time. I willingly give up sleep to read. Quite happily, at that. Dad didn't like the book as much. Oh well, we are so different, why should I be surprised?

I read it though. I finished it. And I had the same reaction that I remember having when I finished it at 3 am that night in California. I sobbed. Heart-wrenching, embarrassing, weeping. Difference being, when I read it in California my Dad heard me and woke up and we ended up talking, talking like we used to when I took all those cross country trips with him, back when he was the sun of my world. This time, I was alone in my room and crying and there was no one except myself.

I don't really know what I'm attempting to say with all of this. Probably nothing really. I think it strange though how keenly you can remember certain things- how you can almost taste certain memories...

I think I'll become a better daughter again.

I feel so terribly frustrated with myself. I am such an emotional girl at times. I only wish that I could sink away into my imagination, into my writing, into my music...and I can but for a few brief minutes only and then I return back into my conscious being and all the devestation that I hold within my soul.

I realize that sounds terribly emo. So pathetically poetic and cliche. How obnoxious of me to write as such. How presumptuous and contemptable. I apologize, truely, I do.

I fear that I have royally fucked things up once more, this time with a possible relationshi(t?)p. With many possible relationships...what is wrong with me? No, no. What is wrong with them? Or what is wrong with the two of us? Why is honesty something we shy away from? With that being established, why am I shunned for being so honest? So horrible.

Oh, Glynnis is always good for a laugh. She's a fun girl. You can have a good conversation with her. She'll tell you how she feels. She's an open book. I'm so over it. I think I'll become mysterious. I'll change the core of my being and dive into my very essence and no one will be the wiser for it, or rather, they will but will realize that they miss me when it's too late.

What am I to do? And why did I have to lose my real journal? Where has it placed itself?

One more post to log in and reflect on later and say...wow, how I've grown, how I've changed...or more likely than not, how I am self-introspective and have a fundamental knowledge of me at such a young age.

21 and invincible...hah.

So, I'm here and here I am.

And I love Imogen Heap and my random mix of chill and different variety music.
And I'm frustrated with boys and all of their drama.
And I've had a really hard week, for reasons I won't delve into online.

I have nothing eloquent to say, no key opinions to state. No wide generalizations to impart upon you hoping to help you learn by the common knowledge you could gain on your own.


In the cathedrals of New York and Rome
There is a feeling
That you should just go home
And spend a lifetime finding out just where that is...

I wish I didn't have to be so cryptic and guarded. And I really wish that I could just accept what other people thought of me. Or that the one person I wanted to want me would actually want me. Oh life is so coy, so funny, so ridiculously stupid and makes me feel pathetic and miserable at times and then I just sit and contemplate and listen to my music instead of doing...anything

He's gone.

David Milton Holt, Sr.
November 16, 1917-January 18, 2008.

And I now I'm down to one grandparent- no more grandfathers. One less person in my corner...I'll miss him.

The viewing is tomorrow, the funeral is on Monday...life'll get back to normal then.

This has been the hardest 2-3 weeks...

It snowed here. I drove in it. That was a first.
My grandfather is dying. Will probably not make it through tonight. I drove up to my aunts to see him, he's in hospice. He didn't recognize me the whole time. It was hard. Today he was in a coma-like state for most of it...I don't want to think about it. I don't want it yet.

I think about it, cannot stop thinking of it, yet can't find it within me to talk about it or write of it.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life